How To Combat The "Why Me's"

If you have a chronic illness or suffer from chronic pain, you have no doubt asked yourself “why me?” at least once…or more likely, a hundred times. I know I have. This question usually comes when you are not feeling well, when things aren’t going as you planned, or when you are in pain. It is something that is hard to move past. It can be frustrating and all-consuming at times. It can be depressing and can provoke anxiety. Here are a few tips that I hope will help.

1. Learn to accept that you may never get an answer. For the majority of us, there is no answer to “why me?”. Unfortunately sometimes things just happen. Acceptance doesn’t necessarily mean “it’s okay”. I’m not asking you to say that it is okay that you have an illness or pain. When I talk about acceptance, I mean being able to make necessary adjustments in your life, learning your new normal, and learning that despite your chronic illness or pain you can still be happy. Learning to accept that you may never get an answer to why this happened to you will be a process. It is not something that will happen overnight. You may want to resist it and that’s alright. It is not fair that this happened to you but with some hard work, dedication and a little reorganization of priorities, it is possible to be happy and to accept not having an answer to “why me?”

2. Find meaning. Ask yourself what good could come out of your situation. I guarantee that if you are open to that question, if you take the time to think about it, and if you are honest with yourself, you will likely come up with at least one positive thing that has come out of all the bad. For me, the meaning in my situation is that I am able to counsel others with chronic illness and chronic pain. It is what I love to do and I have been able to take my own experiences and knowledge and help others. For you it doesn’t have to be something as big as a career decision. It may be something as simple as the fact that you now have more compassion for others, you don’t judge people as quickly as you used to, or that your illness or pain has taught you to appreciate the small things in life.

3. Find a passion for something. Try to focus your attention on something other than “why me?”. Find a hobby or a passion that will make you happy and take your mind off of “why me?”. It is okay if the question comes into your mind once in a while. When it is constant or interrupts your quality of life, your focus, or your happiness, that is a problem. Finding something that brings you joy will help you to cope.

4. Find support. You are not alone. As I stated above, the majority of us with a chronic illness or chronic pain have asked ourselves “why me?”. If you find that you are having difficulty with this question, find support, either with friends, family, a support group, or a therapist. Talking about what you are thinking and feeling can help greatly.

Accepting Your Chronic Illness

ac•cep•tance:

1. The act of enduring without protest or reaction.
2. The act of recognizing as true.

One of the hardest things to do when you have a chronic illness is to accept your situation. It is something that usually takes time and a lot of hard work to achieve. Why is it so hard to accept having a chronic illness? There are many reasons. Having a chronic illness may mean a complete change in lifestyle. It may mean taking several medications daily. It may mean the inability to do things you once enjoyed. Having a chronic illness may mean not knowing when you are going to feel good and when you are going to feel bad. There are a lot of unanswered questions that come along with having a chronic illness: “Why me?”, “What did I do to deserve this?”, “What is in store for my future?”.

When I talk about acceptance with my clients, I don’t mean that it is okay that you have a chronic illness. What I mean by “acceptance” is recognizing that your situation is long-lasting and making alterations in your life that will enable you to live the happiest, fullest life possible. You can’t avoid your illness but you can learn to live with it without struggling. It also means the ability not to let your illness define who you are. Your illness is something you have, it is not who you are.

So, how do you begin the process of accepting your chronic illness? Step one is acknowledging the fact that you may never get the answers to all of your questions. You may never find out why this happened to you or if there was something you could have done to prevent it. Sometimes it just is. Asking why can leave you feeling helpless. Step two is making alterations in your life. For example, if exercise is something you really enjoyed before you got diagnosed and you are now unable to exercise to the extent you could before, think of ways in which you are still able to exercise. Maybe yoga would be a better option, or if running is too strenuous now, take long walks instead. The third step of moving toward acceptance is to find meaning in your situation. You may never find the answer to why this happened to you. Instead of focusing on that aspect of your illness or on the negative parts of your illness, find a sense of meaning in your situation. Maybe that means leading a support group for others who have the same diagnosis as you do, or volunteering at a hospital, or maybe you have decided that you want to become a doctor because of your experiences. Whatever that meaning is for you, it is important to find something positive to focus on. Lastly, make it a goal to participate in at least one enjoyable activity per week. Having a chronic illness can be life changing. In order to avoid depression and in order to learn to live with your illness, it is important to continue to do activities you enjoy. Maintaining a sense of normalcy in as many areas as you can while making alterations in those areas that are necessary will help you to feel more in control of your life.

Remember, having a chronic illness does not have to be solely a negative experience. Along with the negative feelings and experiences derived from triumphant feelings and strength that come with overcoming obstacles. With each success comes the confidence that you're able to live a full, rewarding life and maybe even a more meaningful life than if you hadn't been diagnosed with your illness.